4th ID captures Stats Monkey
By Garnet R. Chaney / Associate Defense Forces Press Service
GarnetChaney.com Exclusive News Story WASHINGTON, Dec. 14, 2003 . With three words -- "And him too" -- Ambassador L. Paul Bremer III announced at a second press briefing in Baghdad today that U.S. forces had captured the Amazon Stats Monkey who was found hiding in a hole with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein near their hometown of Tikrit. 
Photos of the Stat Monkey's uncle, the Stat Monkey, and a bodyguard, shown during a briefing at the Iraqi Forum in Baghdad, Dec. 14, 2003. Defense Dept. photos  |
The coalition had been under increasing pressure to capture the Stats Monkey after recent rounds of late reports infuriated hundreds of thousands of associates, and led to the posting of dozens of inane complaints and conspiracy theories on the Amazon discussion forums. The Stats Monkey was number one on the associates list of most wanted. "We knew all along that it was really the Stats Monkey's uncle who was behind the problems in the reporting" said Major Pian Urdie, senior tactical statistician with the 1st Brigade, 4th Infantry Division.Saddam, and his monkey, were taken into custody at a small mud-walled compound outside the village of Adwar at 8:30 p.m. Dec. 13. About 600 members of the 1st Brigade, 4th Infantry Division, along with special operations forces, launched Operation Red "Monkey" Dawn after receiving intelligence that Saddam was in the area and was planning another round of late stats for the coming week, said Army Major Wes Strago, commander of coalition forces in the country. He added, "The capture of the monkey's uncle was an unexpected bonus in our search for the Stats Monkey." Tips by prominent Amazon associates regarding the timing of late stats played a key role in the finding of the monkey and his handler, according to Brig. Gen. Jacob Roberts. Bremer, the coalition administrator, said it was a "great day" in Iraq's history. "For decades, hundreds of thousands of you suffered at the hands of this cruel man, and have been forced to endure late reports at the hands of his monkey" he said. "For decades, Saddam Hussein divided citizens against each other, and used his monkeys to sow dissension in the Amazon forums. For decades, he threatened and attacked your neighbors and hijacked your commissions. Those days are over forever." The ambassador called on Iraqis, and associates, to look to the future, and to renew their commitments to Amazon. He urged those who supported Saddam, and alternate commission programs, to reexamine their views and cooperate to build new websites that prominently feature non-media items such as apparel, regardless of whether it related to the overall theme of their websites. "Look forward to the new commission plans that Amazon will now be able to launch. Your future has never been more full of hope," he said. Sanchez described the operation that captured the stats monkey. The general said it was a cordon-and-clickthru operation, and coalition forces sustained no broken AWS server messages during the operation. In fact, he said, coalition forces never thought for a moment about clicking on Adsense ads, or mod-rewrite sites. He would not confirm that hollowed out coconuts filled with meager commissions, from the marketplace sales of a famous associate who frequently brags about his revenues, had been been used to capture the monkey. "Everyone knows that a monkey that puts its hand inside a coconut to steal an interesting item will be unable to let go of the item to withdraw it's hand, but I can't comment on specific techniques of capture at this time" he said. Asked whether or not the associates would share in the $25 million dollar reward money posted for the capture of the Stats Monkey and his uncle, a Department of Defense spokesman could not confirm rumors that the money would instead be used to establish a new kind of bonus structure for associates next quarter. "We'll have to wait for the official announcement on the next quarter commission structure from our corporate parent in Seattle", said the Army spokesman. From an Army statement by Maj. Wes Strago: "Today is a great day for the Iraqi people, and associates, and for the Coalition. Last night at approximately 8:00 p.m. local, forces from the 4th Infantry Division together with Special Operations Forces conducted Operation Red 'Monkey' Dawn to capture the Stats Monkey and his uncle, the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. This was done during a cordon and click-thru operation at a secret weapons of mass affiliate commission hijacking laboratory, disguised as a remote farmhouse, near the city of Tikrit. There were no injuries, and in fact not a single reboot was needed. The Stats Monkey, the captive, has been talkative and is being cooperative in helping to prepare tomorrow's reports on time. Results from the raid include confiscation of two mod-rewrite scripts, an anti-scumware defense eliminating javascript, 750,000 U.S. dollars in missing 15% commissions, and a white and orange apparel item recently bought from the Amazon apparel section. Two scumware developers on the associates most wanted deck of cards were also detained. The Monkey, and his uncle Saddam Hussein, are currently under Coalition custody and at an undisclosed location. "
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